good morning, dear ones! i realize that i have a habit of introducing topics in my writing, and then not exploring them as deeply as i could. maybe it has something to do with being "enigmatic," as angie f. described me. i've heard that before, which intrigues me. i like to think that i'm an "open book," but i guess we all have our own secrets and mysteries...really, though, i'm not always terribly deep. today, for instance, i'm wondering if their are any groovy halloween parties on friday night that i can go to. i have the best costume, and simply need a place to wear it! i am going to a vampire party on saturday, which will be lovely. my friend karen is opening her new photgraphy studio, and is having a big bash to celebrate. she's even offering vampire portraits for $4.00! i love having creative friends! creativity is a big topic in my recent thinking patterns. i have so many friends who are really, really good at their music or painting or writing, that it's easy for me to just let those more creative parts of myself sleep in order to appreciate the work of my friends. but in the process, i start spending my time doing other, less substantial things - like watching waaay too much television - instead of creating beauty myself. how does one get into the habit of creating? i really do believe that we are created in God's image, and God is the ultimate creator, so doesn't it logically follow that there is a bit of creator in each of us, and we should be using it? then again, what is creativity? i can be creative in my relationships, or in the way i provide therapy to my families, right? do y'all think that blogs lend themselves to becoming expressions of self-absorption?

it's a crisp, clear day, full of beauty. angie is reading my blog, and said some nice things on her own today. hooplah! i like her, too, and she happens to be an excellent writer. you can find her by clicking on the left. lots of thoughts this morning..."every little thing is gonna be alright..." last night was strange. i've been feeling the constant battle between flesh and spirit recently. i convinced myself that it was too cold and rainy to go to house church, and ended up having a confusing, unsettling evening. i give up. i can't keep trying to manipulate my relationships to get what i selfishly want. if i keep it up, i'm just going to feel even more crazy than i do already. sometimes it's just so damn hard to let go, though! why do i keep convincing myself that what i know is true is just partly true?? am i making any sense? i guess it all boils down to an ultimate selfishness, and fear of just giving up my own control.

it is cold and wet in the queen city today. i'm listening to the flaming lips right now..."do you realize that you have the most beautiful face? do you realize we're floating in space? do you realize that happiness makes you cry? do you realize that everyone you know someday will die? and instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that life goes fast. it's hard to make the good things last. you realize the sun don't go down. it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round..." do you realize, dear ones, that you have the most beautiful faces? i don't want to live in illusion. i don't want to live in cynicism, although it may appear to be the opposite based on my recent posts. oops - i need to go to a home visit now. happy day, everyone! (more later, plus i'm working on a photo blog....)

i'm home again after an incredible weekend in muncie. jonathon and alison got married yesterday, in one of the most creative punk rock weddings i've ever been to. the setting was amazing, and the attention to detail that both of them possess was evident from the stark and beautiful winter stage set to the cds that they had burned for each of us as party favors. but the best part was knowing that this was a covenant that was meant to be. jonathon told me at the after party (you have to love it when the bride and groom stick around for a late dance party to play with their friends!) that "it just felt so natural to be up there." that's a good sign, i think. it's late now. much more tomorrow.

elliott smith is gone. they think he committed suicide. newby and allison are getting married tomorrow. death and resurrection. the old and the new. it's a sad, lovely world..."what a beautiful piece of heartache..." it's almost november. it was about this time a few years ago that my friend rob died, also thought to be suicide. he wrote aching, beautiful, melancholy songs, too. and he loved jesus. so, what failed? are we failing our brothers and sisters? are we failing our children? there is so much hurt around us, so many wounded children in need of re-parenting by the father. i've been learning a lot lately about "authentic child" theory, and the need to re-parent the precious child that is hiding behind the wounded child in each of us, to walk with that child. it kind of relates to theophostic healing and prayer, too - the idea of jesus re-entering that wounded childhood and walking through it with us, healing along the way. because no matter how balanced we are, or how much we are loved by those around us, the wounds still exist. jesus, come walk with us. teach us to walk with each other. show us the child in our brother.

yesterday i wrote a fairly lengthy treatise on "what is prayer good for?" which was the question of the evening at our house church gathering the other night. apparently, though, my post must have been bordering on heresy, since it somehow got lost on its way to this page. ;-) my friend ken is awesome. he's funny and super-smart and a bit melancholy. he's the one who brought up the question in the first place, when he misunderstood the directive to write down a personal question to get to know another person in the group better last week. the poor guy who pulled out that innocent-looking slip of paper just said, "what is prayer good for?!" and seemed to have a near breakdown. we decided to make it a group discussion for this week. anyway, i love my house church. we're not convinced we came up with some solid enough answers, so we're continuing the discussion. please feel free to share any ideas! so far, we touched on theories of linear and non-linear time, with ken proposing that prayer is our stepping out of linear time to join God in the nonlinear. (that's a loose paraphrase, but i like it!) of course jesus' statement that "whatever you ask for in my name, you will receive," sparked some good talk, especially when r said, "but that's just not true!" so, here's my question for all of you: what DOES it mean to pray "in jesus' name"? the idea was presented that if we are truly praying in the name of christ, we are praying in his will. but there have been many times that i've prayed deeply for people i love to know God's presence in a real, tangible way that they can't deny. and it hasn't happened. surely, people knowing him is in his will!? and what about the people i know who are actively seeking truth, and asking god to show himself to them, but keep feeling like they're talking to a brick wall? what's up wit dat, yo? (um, i have no idea where that sentence just came from!) i have a friend who spent five years trying to have a real relationship with God before he simply gave up, believing that God exists, but really wants little to do with him, and i know damn well that lots of believers were praying for him. that's the only situation that's ever really made me yell at God. so. what is prayer good for? talk to me.

good morning, dear sunshines! it's beautiful in the ohio valley today. yesterday (before seeing david sedaris) i got a massage from my friend sandie, and the phrase "reawakened hope" came to her, and that is what she prayed for me. sometimes talk of "prophetic words" scare me a little. (we didn't use language like that in my mennonite world!) but the actual word and concept of "reawaken" has been strong in my soul lately. (i know - i'm restating the obvious that i've been writing about lately.) it was just good to have it confirmed. another word swimming around in my head has been "radical," which also scares me a little. see, i have no problem with the ideal of attempting to live radically in terms of simplicity, service, working for peace and justice, etc. but when you start throwing the word around in church settings, i start to worry. the thing is, i love jesus. and to a lot of my friends, i'm a closet evangelical. but to the evangelicals, i'm sort of a closet liberal. i believe jesus is God. i believe that different people are gifted as prophets and healers and teachers, etc., and i even believe that i have a couple of those giftings, but when i start hearing that certain spiritual jargon floating around a room, i get an uneasy feeling in my gut. when someone says to me, "so, what has God been doing in your life this week?" the red flags start to go up. is this just my fear of my people, or of "radicalism"? or is it my own arrogance? hmm...a few things to think about today...

i think i want to marry someone like david sedaris, except straight. i went to see him read tonight, and it was so good for the soul! he has the kind of stage presence that just makes you want to be his best friend - intelligent, side-splittingly funny, endearing and melancholy all at once. dreamy! he's also the kind of writer who makes you want to go home and burn the midnight oil writing yourself. like most of my favorite writers, he takes the ordinary and turns it into something spectacular, much like anne lamott and madeleine l'engle. and, like the simpsons, he has a gift for starting in one place and ending up on an entirely different continent. if you need to smile, read him now.

still thinking about identity and calling today, and about the constant battle between responding to my emotions in the moment instead of setting the boundaries that i know are necessary. this whole break-up thing really is hard to do, as the cliche goes. it tears me apart to let go of someone who has been such a vital part of my life for the past year and a half. it feels like my soul is being ripped out some days - mostly at night, when i'm trying to sleep and it's just my animals and myself in the house. it's easy to convince myself that it will all work out eventually, but i think i also know in that deep part of myself that i have to move on...move forward. listen to God, whatever that means. i very nearly had a complete breakdown several times in the past week, and i kept finding myself wanting to go back to the boy himself for comfort. aargh! i've struggled with how vulnerable to be on this blog, but everyone who tells me they're reading it are people who i love and trust. (shout out to nat, ang, and gina!) so. that's where i am right now. sometimes i feel like the strongest woman in the world, and then i remember that there is no future for the relationship that i invested my future in. then i feel guilty for feeling so torn up, because i know people who are dealing with much more traumatic things than a break-up -- death, the end of an actual marriage, etc. i certainly don't want to become self-absorbed. but i also know that i need strong people around me. so don't let me get away with isolating myself, dear ones! i need to work now.

i'm starting to feel like a computer-geek poser. i just figured out how to add comments to this thing, but if you'll notice, it's not exactly at the end of the post, where it is on most people's blogs. oh well! i guess i should learn something about html... i'm also getting really excited about getting the updated mac os x "panther" system when it is released next week. then i want to get a digital camera. yikes! what's happening to me?? my friend angie talks about the "laptop syndrome," which hit her when she obtained a laptop through her job (she's a teacher) and she started realizing how nice it was to just "pack it up in my little bag at the end of the day and take it home..." ah, i have so many ideals about simplicity, but i'm thinking of asking for an ipod for christmas. is this consumerism. or is it discovering a new approach to simplicity in an increasingly global culture? before i went to india, i hated cell phones. when i was there, a mobile was my only phone, and it seemed to make everything so much easier that now a mobile has been my only phone in the u.s. for the last year and a half. i have so many friends who live in other places, and am away from my house so often, that it just makes sense to pay the same price every month for the ability to make free long-distance calls whenever and wherever i want to. and, somehow, having a phone with me when i'm traveling makes me feel a sense of security, and it has helped me out when i've gotten stranded by an unreliable car. so, is this sense of security real? am i falsely justifying all of this technology? i guess it's all about the idea of redemption. madeleine l'engle writes a lot about the concept of redeeming the good in everything. instead of viewing things as inherently "good" and "evil," she plants the idea that everything has the potential to be redeemed for good and for God. so, if technology truly helps me to keep my community connected, and to develop my creativity, i guess there is something to be redeemed...or am i just talking a bunch of crazy? tell me what you think!

it's half past midnight on sunday morning, and i just got back from an evening of chai and crepes with my friends jill and jona, who were in bombay with me two years ago. this week has been one of reclaiming the community in my life. i've been a bit of a basket case lately, but i'm suddenly realizing the truth that i have known for years, but not always lived in - we are not alone! i can feel crazy and sad and thrilled all at once, and there are people to share that with me. i've been thinking about the concepts of reclaiming and identity and calling all week...my friends amy and derek wrote about the necessity of knowing your identity before calling on their blog today. (see their link in the sidebar.) what is calling, really? is it a very sepcific "call" to a geographic place or career? or is it a call to a general way of living in your gifts? or does that change depending on who you are? do i decide if i should move back to india someday based on whether or not i feel a strong "call" to be there? or is it enough to know that my calling lies in journeying with those who have been abused, the place being nonessential? do i have to hear a clear "word" from God before moving to columbus with my chosen family tawd and sharon, or do i just act in confidence that my calling is to surround myself with community?? (**IMPORTANT NOTE: this is just an example, it does not mean that i'm making any plans to move to columbus!) so, those are my questions tonight. in the meantime, i wish lots of homemade chai with friends for all of you... sweet dreams.

good morning, dear ones! this will be a quick note - just wanted to let y'all know i haven't forgotten my blog this week. work is crazy today, and my mind is brimming with thoughts of healing, calling, strange dreams, etc. and i'm just plain tired today. but i'll be working until around 8 tonight, then i will hopefully gather my thoughts into some coherent writing...happy day!

thinking about freedom and new beginnings this morning, or perhaps a return to old beginnings...my friend angie read my blog last week, and told me that she "got the image of a caterpillar coming out of its cocoon and trying to experience the freedom of wings..." this was especially encouraging, as i'm realizing more and more how much i haven't lived in true freedom in the past year. i feel like the past days have been saturating me with a renewed vision for my gifts, my potential, my ability to lead, etc. those gifts - like the gifts of all of us - require responsibility, and i think i just wanted to take some time with no responsibility for awhile. but now the possibilities are nudging me awake again, getting ready to sweep me up into a tidal wave, carrying me to the next height...does this make any sense to anyone?? at the same time, i feel the struggle within myself to stick to the comfortable patterns and relationships. but it's getting a little easier to say "no" to those things. i think it's essential, though, to remember to show ourselves mercy when we do say yes to the less healthy... this was a good weekend. i spent most of my time either with good friends or in my home, attempting to reduce the chaos and clutter. it's winter, and i'm nesting! i cleaned and organized, and made two curries and a cobbler to feed myself this week. chopping onions is becoming second nature! back to work for now.

one of my coworkers just informed me that there is a full moon tonight. somehow, i'm not surprised. there is something in the air today, folks! it's in the little moments, like my coworker driving into the parking lot blaring bob dylan at his most bluegrassy. of course, that in itself isn't a big deal (or all that abnormal), but the moment just seemed very surreal. that's my day so far - all of the normal things feel surreal. anyone else feeling the same?

it's friday morning, and a beautiful one so far. i got up in the wee hours to have breakfast with rachel, one of the strongest, most creative women i have the joy of knowing. we went to college together at taylor university in indiana, and are planning to go to homecoming together tomorrow. it's my five-year college reunion - my goodness! anyway, both of us are preparing ourselves for a bit of culture shock. as rachel said, "i'm starting to freak out a little!" taylor was a great place for me to be when i was there, and in retrospect, it was one of the most formative experiences of my life. i don't think any of my quotes about it would make it into the brochures, though. i spent most of my time avoiding dorm and student government social life to hang out with the kids on the fringe - mostly missionary and other "third culture" kids who found it difficult to carve a place for themselves in a world full of upper middle-class evangelicals who wanted to change the world but had spent little time in it. since i was raised in a conservative mennonite culture, the community we built in an off-campus house at taylor was just the place for me. my chosen family there were among the first to teach me what a cohesive community feels like. co-ed slumber parties filled with chai, curry, guitars and small talkless conversation are what really shaped me nine years ago, and most likely were what led to me living in a commune of sorts for two years afterwards. there are many more things i could say about that time in my life, but i really wasn't planning to write about it at all today. it's funny what spills out onto the page sometimes... i need to get back to work now. more later.

thursday morning, and i'm trying to capture my sleepy thoughts while i can. i started this morning conversing about community with tawd, who i lived with in intentional community for two years. ironically, renewed thoughts of community are coming at a time when i'm trying to make the decision of whether or not to live all by myself again. (of course, i'll always have the community of blaze and sophie, the sweet creatures.) (omigosh - stop me before i become one of those animal ladies with twelve cats and five dogs!) anyway, i'm remembering how essential community is to my worldview. the only problem is what does that community look like? i've always had a vision of my home being a gathering place for community. after isolating myself for a time, that vision was suffocated a bit. but it's being reawakened. i did the whole common purse, structured community thing for a couple of years, and it left me with a few solid thoughts of my own ideal community: 1. it must be organic, and have room to ebb and flow naturally. 2. sharing of resources is essential, however, a common purse (at least for myself) is not always the best option. arguments over money are one of the biggest causes of divorce, both in marriages and community. in my experience, i've seen a common purse allow for some to not live responsibly, and for an inbalance of work and energy to occur. this kind of inbalance can lead to a lot of resentments, then added guilt for feeling resentful. 3. community must hold its members responsible to develop their gifts, and to be productive members of the community and society as a whole. community must not be used as an excuse for laziness and apathy. 4. community cannot be an ends in itself. if community exists simply for the sake of being a community, it becomes ingrown and incestuous. community is an extremely effective tool for allowing its members to have more energy and resources to connect with the larger, broken world. 5. community is a part of the larger, broken world. we cannot forget our brokenness. we cannot forget the larger world, which as believers we are called to love. 6. love covers a multitude of sins, especially in community. 7. community must liberate and empower its members and the world the members touch on a daily basis. ok, i realize some of these statements may seem strong. they're really just a few thoughts based on my experience. hmm...i almost feel like i just wrote a mission statement!

so, do you ever have one of those days where all of the little things (like printers) seem to be smarter than you? then, when you ask someone for help, the problem turns out to be something like you forgot to push in the paper tray the whole way, resulting in the printer not being able to accept your paper?? it's kind of like that fed ex commercial where the office manager is teaching the guy with the mba how to send something in the mail. enough said.

i woke up from the strangest dream this morning. i was at a mennonite conference in mozambique, and saw all of these people i hadn't seen in years. of course, they were people who i actually saw at mennonite conferences as i was growing up, but those were always in places like delaware or ohio - not africa! i heard a statistic, though, that there are more mennonites on the african continent than all of north america. hmmm...anyway, now i'm wondering if i should try to get in touch with any of the particular people who were in my dream? or maybe the dream was just because i was looking online yesterday and found some info about mennonite work in mozambique?? must go on a home visit now.

it's coffee break time. i have thoughts of family dynamics, therapeutic interventions, and india floating around in my head. for those of you who don't know, i'm a licensed social worker and a "family preservation therapist." i think of my job as being sort of like an emergency room doctor - when families are at risk of having children removed, i provide very intensive, short-term services. i also work a little less intensely with families who have recently been reunified. after several years of working for the state as a protective services worker, the chance to actually jump in and do serious therapeutic work is amazing - sometimes, though, it's hard to make the internal shift from case management to therapy...anyway, the families i'm working with right now are a lot of fun, and they remind me of how all of us are our own form of dysfunctional... india...two years ago, i was living in bombay. some days it seems every little thing is a reminder. it's a place that gets into your blood, even if you're not sure you want it to. speaking of india, i highly recommend the movies "bend it like beckham" and "monsoon wedding"...as much as they may seem to feed into cultural stereotypes, they really do a pretty honest job of representing indian life, at least based on my urban indian experience. coffee break is over.

ok. i have a feeling it might take awhile to get this blogging thing figured out. i'm an intelligent woman - i just have a lot of the details to work out, so forgive me if you have to wait a few months to see all of those nice little features in the side bars, etc. thanks for bearing with me! now. to begin again. i was almost done with a great post but somehow lost it when i went to explore template options a minute ago. i've been thinking a lot about grief and darkness lately. funny - it seems that this october/november time of the year is usually when i'm the most aware of the pain and loneliness around me - not in an oppressive, consuming way, but in a way that makes me feel like i'm seeing humanity and the world just a bit more through God's eyes. does that make sense? maybe it has to do with autumn - all of nature (at least in the midwest) is dying and going to sleep, preparing for rebirth in the spring. it follows, then, that we as humans go through our own little (and big) deaths. i know that i'm going through a slow death and rebirth: a recent, very hard breakup of the longest relationship i've ever been in; a return to work that stirs up the fire in my belly; a gradual re-entering of my community after a year of isolation; figuring who my community really is, anyway; a gradual re-entering of my communion with God...that's a lot for a girl all at once! but i just read my daily assortment of blogs, and have had converstions lately that make me know it's not just me...thoughts, anyone?? but life is not all intentional introspection...happy things today: i love my dog! i'm learning to love my cat, too. pets have a way of not letting people stay sad for very long...blaze, my mutt, likes to pretend she's a cat when she plays with sophie, the real cat. she crouches down and then pounces, batting her paws in the air. that's a great thing to wake up to! back to work now.

i think it's about time to actually tell people that i have a blog. i'm ready to develop routine in my life again, including the discipline of writing on a regular basis. so i figure that if i know people are actually expecting to read something, then i'll feel responsible to dig into my head and heart and spill it...makes perfect sense to me! spilling it...transparency has been much on my mind lately. i know that i've isolated myself in the past year, and those thoughts and emotions that can become toxic have been doing just that. isolation is dangerous, my friends. i've been super-blessed to have friends that don't mind when i just spill out onto them, and they do the same to me. there's a priceless safety and joy in that! the real safety, though, is in spilling out onto jesus. that's a habit i've gotten out of. that's a habit i'm trying to regain. i have to admit that it scares me a bit, though - i don't want to start speaking with that cryptic "uber-spiritual" vocabulary that i've heard too often from those around me. oops! watch out for the cynic! anyway, this month has been one of renewal. i have a new job - one that fulfills my calling to be a tool for healing in families, and one that provides me with great support. my coworkers are two fabulous women who laugh and teach me every day. we're a crazy mix - joyce is a middle-aged lesbian who shows me jesus every day, and karis is a 25 year old ghetto girl who keeps me real. actually, both of them keep me real. then there's me - the mennonite pseudo hippie/punk rocker with a nicotine addiction and a history of communal living. i like my life. and right now, my life requires that i get back to work. more later.