happy, happy day before thanksgiving, dear ones! it's been one of those giddy "last day before the holiday" days, coupled with pre-road trip excitement. i'm off to toronto in the morning with kenny o., and it's the best way to spend the weekend that i can think of. i seem to have that certain travel bug that makes me so, so restless if i'm in town for more than a month or two... so i think i'm going to take a trip to the u.k. and europe next summer. anyone wanna join me? (if i say it out loud, then it's much more likely that i'll actually go!) i'll definitely have to trek to sheffield to meet the lovely viv, author of the love blog that i've added to the sidebar. AND, she's returned the favor, so this thing has gone international. thanks, viv! giddy, giddy, giddy...i spent my afternoon at the mall today with one of my 17 year old clients. immersing myself in a suburban consumer mecca is not my idea of fun. but it was fun--so much so that i found myself thinking it might have been nice to have a little sister after all. i'm amazed by the kids i work with sometimes. this girl grew up watching her father hit her mother regularly, and her mother lose herself in drinking as a result. but she and her brothers have all turned out to be great kids. it's hard to explain resiliency sometimes. i must pack now. i'm not sure if i'll be able to post over the weekend, but will be keeping a running log of posts for monday. give thanks this weekend, no matter where in the world you are!

FRUIT is on my mind this morning, thanks to doug. (see his comment in yesterday's post) fruit, function, definition, blah, blah, blah. where is our fruit? share it, please. but birthday parties are also on my mind. the afore-mentioned doug's mother-in-law, sandie, is having a 50th birthday party tonight, and it's a life well worth celebrating. hooplah! happy birthday, mrs. brock! the third thing on my mind is an npr story i heard this morning about the u.n. rwandan tribunals that are currently taking place in tanzania. three men who ran a radio station are looking at life in prison because, apparently, their radio killed people. i don't know a lot about it yet, but it brings up a lot of issues about freedom of the press, propaganda, etc. the really big thing about the story for me, though, is that my friend beth is actually interning at the tribunals right now. i know such amazing people! i llived with beth in india, and she's one of those girls who knows how to live incarnationally. so, see - it all circles around! ;-) lots to think about today.

the brilliant chris smith's comment reminded me that nothing has to be an "either/or" thing. i wasn't really trying to imply that the emerging church communities (for lack of a better term) aren't incarnational in terms of being the church with each other. but sometimes it feels like it's just another form of church - a good one, which enables us to live with each other more deeply - but one that is made up of those of us who haven't found fulfillment in the more traditional church, but still don't really live WITH our neighbors and the larger community around us. i would be interested in knowing how many house churches have actually drawn in family members who haven't simply come from another form of the church. how many people are actually being introduced to jesus for the first time in our house churches? and for those "non-churched" people who do show up, how many are just a "nonchristian" version of our middle-class, educated, latte-drinking selves? i'm not trying to stir up a hornet's nest - i'm just asking myself the same questions as i realize that a lot of people in my every day world tend to think quite a bit alike, whether they claim jesus or not. i'll have to chew on this for awhile...

i found this article on theooze today, and it really resonated with me: http://www.theooze.com/articles/article.cfm?id=654 it asks the essential question "how burgeois is the emerging church?" you see, i've been reading a lot put out there by people in the "emerging church" and "missional communities," and i like what people have to say a lot. but does this really relate to the people in our neighborhoods who can't even think of affording internet access? we're asking all of these huge, philisophical questions, but what about the simpler questions like "how is my neighbor going to pay for their groceries this week?" it's hard for me to take the time to know my neighbor and her needs when we're isolating ourselves in our ivory tower, putting forth questions that can really only be asked from a middle-class position of power. are our communities really incarnational in our larger world if we spend all of our time flying to conferences and roundtables? the early church "sold all that they had and gave to each as they had need..." but how can we do that if we keep buying plane tickets to visit "the emerging church" around the world? just a few ranting thoughts for the midmorning.

it's monday morning, and yesterday was the official beginning of the holiday season for my emotions. it started by finally seeing "love actually" with sharon. scoff if you will, but that's a movie that left me feeling good all over. i was near tears almost as often as i was laughing. the main theme seemed to be "if you love someone, tell them! and especially tell them at christmas time!" it did leave a few questions re: the appropriateness of sharing your feelings with someone who you have know right to expect anything from...but i won't overanalyze it. i'll simply leave it with a quote from the 10-year-old hero of the film: "what can possibly be worse than the total agony of being in love?" after the flick, i purchased my first eggnog latte of the season, which always makes me happy. it also takes me back to last year, when i was working at a downtown coffeehouse and nursed my eggnog all day long. it was part of my year-long sabbatical from social work, and taught me a lot about connecting with people where they're at. i just read a post from another blogger who asked how to connect with the "winos" on the street in his own city. when i worked downtown, i was on a first-name basis with a lot of those guys for the first time, and rarely got asked for money. (i get really annoyed when people talk about the big "panhandling problem" in cincinnati. what happened to the simple idea of "just say no" when you're asked for something you don't want to give? it's always worked for me.) a couple of things stood out: 1)it's much easier to build a connection with people when you're a consistent part of their daily environment. 2) the importance of just taking the time to sit in one place for awhile can't be overrated. most of my conversations that led to some semblance of friendship with people on the street started with a smoke break in front of the coffeeshop....of course, i'm certainly not advocating that you take up smoking if you don't already, but do take some time to sit and be present! but i digress. following the latte, i spent the evening playing dutch blitz with dear friends who are so, so good for my soul! i think it just might become a monthly event...we gathered at the brock home, which is a tremendous example to me of real, organic community...the kind i want to establish in my own household... well. i must work yet again. there's a lot to do before my very own canadian thanksgiving!

oh, yes - next friday is "buy nothing day"! now, i know it's hard to buy nothing on the biggest shopping day of the year, but wouldn't it be so nice to avoid the chaotic shopping hoi polloi? i will personally be in toronto, so i may give in and buy a latte while i explore the city...does it count as long as i'm not buying anything in the u.s.? ;-)

good morning, dear ones! thanks to palmer's blog, i'm thinking about "the resurgence of the anabaptist spirit" this morning. i remember this mennonite girl's sense of coming home when i found vineyard central, which seemed so much more anabaptist than the menno church i first attended when i moved here. all of the things i was raised to love - simplicity, community, peacemaking, service, etc. - i feel my own personal anabaptist resurgence today... it's a happy, happy friday! along the lines of simplicity and community, i shared a great, simple meal with my family at the brown house last night. our discussion ranged from the existence of hell to the phenomenon of choosing a spouse on national television. oh yes - we also touched on the apocrypha! i can't even begin to tell you how much i LOVE nights like that! i'm realizing that if i'm just a bit more proactive, i can re-establish some community in my life without moving... gotta work now.

i just returned from lunch with my coworkers and ben, our old supervisor. it makes me a bit sad that i didn't get a chance to work with him for more than two weeks. anyway, ben's new job is with the covington community center, and a lot of what he does involves buying properties for responsible development. apparently, there is a covington program that allows a person to buy a house for $1.00, then receive a loan for any necessary rehab to live in the house. as long as you live in the home, the loan is deferred, and it seems if you stay for 15 years, the loan is forgiven. wow! the houses are in the kind of neighborhoods i would like to live in, and i've really been thinking about buying a house sometime in the next year. the thing is, all of my church community is in norwood! anyone wanna start a house church or live with me in covington? it's way closer to downtown cincinnati than norwood is... i have this tremendous anti-suburbs bias ingrained in me. but covington really isn't a suburb. and i also have this anti-living-in-kentucky vibe going on. when it comes down to it, though, i was born in kentucky, and my entire family is from there... we'll see what develops. but, seriously, anyone wanna live with me?

last night i was in a really pissy mood. there were a few reasons for that - some indentifiable and some not - but i was not a happy camper. however, since i try to take responsibility seriously, and i was in charge of "discussion-facilitating" at house church, i went against my self-protective instinct to stay at home and dragged myself to the brown house. i'm glad i did. we hit the beginning of acts 2, and the one question that really went home with me is this: "do i really believe that God heals?" i mean, i believe that he heals on some gradual, logical level, but do i really believe in miraculous healing? then, this morning, i went to an amazing training for work on "treating the victimized client," and was presented with the following question: "as a therapist, do i really believe that people can heal?" themes much, anyone??? then there's the other question that was asked last night: "do we have to see someone grow an extra finger to believe? can't it be more simple than that?" i certainly hope so! because (i am fully aware that i really shouldn't be starting a sentence with the word "because") if i saw someone grow a limb, i know i would be pretty skeptical. but belief becomes much more alive to me when i see the simpler, yet more abstract things, like someone who has been deeply emotionally damaged regain some sense of their identity and worth, or when my family is FINALLY able to freely say "i love you" to each other. i find belief easier to comprehend when i see God use humans as instruments in bringing each other to healing - more so than witnessing some blantantly "super-natural" act. of course, i haven't really seen very many outright signs and wonders. but when i hear stories of them, aside from in scripture, i always find myself looking for the scientific explanation, or some evidence that man is manipulating the cirucumstances. how is it, then, that i have no problem believing jesus actually raised lazarus from the dead? am i just lacking some damn faith? am i a bad christian because i don't feel a need to ask God to show me some good, old-fashioned miracles? am i complacent if i am satisfied with the smaller, personal miracles i see most days? next week we talk about the resurrection. any thoughts related on the resurrection as it appears in acts 2 will be greatly appreciated! oops - i guess it will actually be in two weeks. next week is a birthday party! back to healing...i wish i had a way to draw a diagram for y'all, because dr. bassman (our trainer this morning) gave us a really good one regarding personality and all of the different roles, or personas, that we each take on. see, we each have these roles that are a part of us, but aren't really our SELVES at the core. some of these roles are great and necessary, and some aren't so much. for example, some of my roles would be daughter, sister, therapist, writer, pacifist, etc. we step into these roles all the time, but sometimes we get stuck in them. if we are stuck in a persona, we're controlled by it. these roles and personas are imprinted in us, but they are not our true, authentic selves. as a believer, i would define that authentic self as the amy that God created in my truest, deepest form, and as the self that is best able to hear the holy spirit. so many times, though, we make our decisions and actions out of our personas, instead of going back to our selves. this morning, we discussed this in the context of the victim: if a person was abused as a child, they often life their life fully in the persona of the victimized child, instead of going back to their selves and choosing a different persona to act out of for the moment. does this make any sense to anyone at all?? i know that it really resonated with me, and goes right along with some other things i've been learning lately (the "inner child theory," leanne payne's thoughts on the spirit versus the soul, etc.) and it ties back into my earlier mention of God using humans to walk with each other to healing... oh, yes! another thing i've been tossing around is the idea of moving back into a bit more intentional communal setting. some moments i feel myself saying, "great! when do i move in??" other moments i'm saying, "um, maybe when hell freezes over?" if you're a pray-er and could lift that up with me, thanks! also, j and i are needing some prayer regarding our relationship, since we keep finding ourselves in limbo regarding whether or not we should be in a relationship beyond friendship. this is a pretty personal thing, but it's also pretty serious, and we need help finding some answers! on the topic of hell - i've been wondering lately how many people i know really believe in a literal hell. thoughts, please! that's enough to chew on for awhile. i AM interested in knowing if anyone outside of cincinnati (and jeni, chris, andrew and angie) actually reads this. if so, let me know! lovelove to all of you...

so i'm not quite sure what i'm feeling this morning. the past few weeks have been ones of strength and growth, and now i just feel weak. there are a lot of questions in my life right now - many of which i can't share to protect the privacy of people i care about. but i just get so frustrated with myself when i live in reaction to my emotions, and say things that i'm not sure i really mean. of course, i almost always mean what i say in the moment, but then my rational mind kicks in later and i wonder, "what the heck was i thinking??" i feel like i'm kicking myself today. sometimes i make bad choices. and i can handle that when i'm the only one that suffers, but it appears that most of our choices have consequences for others. but we can't live in guilt, eh? funny, as i was writing this, i picked up acts 2 and started reading to get some perspective for tonight's gathering, and this is what jumped out: "therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your holy one see decay. you have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence." on acts 2, i have to ask myself what my response would have been if i were at pentecost, when the holy spirit came down with a violent wind and tongues of fire...would i have been one of those people who were "amazed and perplexed," and just chalked it up to everyone being drunk? sometimes i feel like such a pendulum - on some days i could be the skeptic, but on others i think i could be peter, explaining the truth to everyone there.

it's monday morning, and life is good. this weekend was full of people and inspiration and rest, things which don't always come at once. i was able to be a small part of the independent media exposition, put on by my friend steve and xray magazine (www.goxray.com). it was so, so good to be with writers and anacrhists, and to be reminded of what i love about writing. it was also good to make some connections with people who may turn into sources of freelancing opportunities... after the conference, my sister nathalie came to spend the night with me on saturday. she truly is one of my sisters, and it was very therapeutic to sit in our pajamas all morning and make crepes together. nathalie is a genius, and is in her third year of medical school. so even though she lives less than two hours away, it's a gift any time we can fit in some connecting time together. then, last night, our home felt social again with a round of "cranium - hoopla!," an episode of the simpsons, and some good chili. some days i really love my life.

since i like to see people discuss, and since andrew posted his comment re: the holy spirit publicly, i wanted to respond here. first of all, thanks to andrew for being so honest. to those of you who don't know him, he is one of my oldest friends, and one of the most intelligent people i know. i have a lot of respect for this man, and a lot of love. i've also been there when he's been seeking god honestly and diligently. somehow, though, i've always been able to feel faith more easily than he has. why?? this doesn't seem fair to me, because i know there have been plenty of times when he has sought god more deeply than i have. so why wouldn't the spirit seek him back? this, my dears, is something i've talked about before, and something i just don't understand. it's also the one thing that really makes me angry at god. what do the rest of you think?? also, even though my experience with the holy spirit has been somewhat different than andrew's, i also feel a connection with his thoughts on the teacher who talked about the fire of god consuming their public school campus. and i get really frustrated with people who keep trying to change everyone they perceive as being "heathen"...because really, if the holy spirit is real, don't we trust him enough to change others himself?? more thoughts, please!

ok, back for part two of today. the holy ghost is on my mind. last night we talked about what it means to be "baptized with the holy spirit." that phrase always opens up a can of worms for me. i know some people feel that baptism of the spirit is one great big "whammo!" moment, and is a sign of salvation. but i come from the mennonite world, and we're not really big on "whammo!" experiences, because those indicate a lot of emotionalism instead of real, day-to-day obedience. i was always taught that you receive the holy spirit when you accept christ, and that is that. one thing we talked about last night was the comparison of living in the spirit and being in love, both of which are a daily decision. am i living less in the spirit than those who can tell a story of being slain to the ground? i don't know. but i do know that i need to be more conscious of daily asking for His eyes, and His heart. that does not always result in a feeling of euphoria, but it does make a tangible difference in the way i approach my world and the people in it. so, with that in mind, i need to get to a meeting now. give me Your heart.

lots on my mind today, and not enough time this morning to write it all down. but here's my little promise to write at least something more tonight. church happened again last night, and i get more and more excited every week as we talk about the holy spirit and our experiences and thoughts...nothing too incredibly profound, but as kevin said, we're scratching the surface of something bigger...(a loose paraphrase, but you can click on his link to the left to see what he really said.) and there was good vulnerability and honesty. it was an odd group of people - a few old/new timers who showed up and brought with them a fresh energy. zoe was in top form, handing out little drawings to everyone during our meeting time and spreading her love around the world. that little girl is going to change the world someday. we also had sweet, sweet music, which we haven't done for awhile. and steve said something that i'll be mulling over for a few days: "we can't understand power until we recognize our powerlessness." a few things coming up, in case anyone cares to join me: 1. game night at my house this sunday at 5:30pm. i'm making chili. e-mail me or call if you want to come! 2. the independent media exposition this friday night and all day saturday at media bridges in downtown cincinnati. go to www.goxray.com for more info. the above mentioned steve is putting it on, and it's a great thing packed full of workshops for do-it-yourselfers, including a workshop on blogging! a $5.00 donation is requested, but not required. your's truly has been tapped to be a part of the "art of the interview" panel discussion. yikes! 3. matt murray and cameron cochran play at the reality tuesday cafe in covington on saturday night. peace be with you!

it's monday morning, and i'm feeling the move of the blogging spirit again. a few things on my mind this lovely cold morning....what is the difference between being a follower of jesus and being a "good person"?...what is acts 1 all about anyway?...am i really making an effort to live in community if it is possible for me to hibernate with a cold in my apartment for 72 hours doing nothing but watch tv and have no one notice?...should i move away to go to grad school?...should i buy a house and stay here?....should i stop blogging and get to work now?

ok, i've just added a link to mayhem. i did something wrong, though, since cliking on "e-mail me" also takes you to mayhem. at least you can get there!

oi. this is not one of my better days. i started getting a sore throat last night, and this morning it's turned into a full-blown, snotty cold. it's rainy and cold, too, and the drivers on the highway were just annoying. i'm tired and grumpy, and trying to figure out if i've made a mistake by breaking up with my boyfriend. argh. but maya angelou says that a joyful spirit is evidence of a grateful heart. so. some things i'm grateful for today: 1. green tea with just the right amount of honey and cream 2. cigarettes with no addtives (yes, smoking is a bad habit, but today i'm grateful for it.) 3. non-drowsy cold-medicine 4. warm corduroys hmmm...it seems everything i'm grateful for today has to do with basic, physical needs. maslow's hierarchy, anyone? ;-) happy day, all!

it's funny how people take you seriously when you make a declaration that you need to step back into your gifts...kevin happened to read what i said, and now i'm guiding/teaching/facilitating (whatever the word of the week is) our house church discussion on acts - or at least on the first chapter next week. church happened last night, and it happened good. it seems we're all fairly hungry for jesus and scripture right now, and it's good for the spirit. i think my community and i sometimes run the risk of throwing the baby out with the bath water when it comes to structure in the church, resulting in a potential for drifting who knows where...so we've decided to try a bit of structure (see kevin's post for today), and the cool thing is that it's something we want, and a decision we arrived at together, honestly. (holy spirit, perhaps??) anyway, one thing that's been on my mind lately regarding house churches is the place for new believers and seekers. i have a friend who is hungry for the gospel right now, but he has had very little teaching or discipleship. he's starting to come to house church, and the community is good for him. but i've had a fear that when he is there, there is a chance that he isn't receiving much more than a safe little spiritual discussion that could take place anywhere. but last night we came to some definition of what the church is, and my fears are gradually being dispelled....but i do wonder about the place for new believers and seekers. my friend is at a place where he really just wants to know what the bible says, and get some teaching from it. he went to my old church in indiana last week, which has a big service with loud music and a preacher who just moves through scripture, chapter by chapter. i don't want to have to send my seeking friends to a large, mainstream "culturally sensitive" church in a building to hear what the bible says. but there are many times in our house church when the bible may not be opened. now, i'm definitely not a mainstream evangelical. and i have a lot of questions and ideas about what it means to follow jesus that may have some believing i'm on my way to hell. but i think sometimes we have a certain assumption that everyone already knows what scripture says, as most of us in my church come from homes and backgrounds where reciting scripture was just a part of life. so we all have that foundation for discussion, and we often want to go different directions. but what about those who don't? hmm...i suppose i'm starting to sound like a bible-thumper. i definitely believe that God's word is revealed in many complex ways beyond scripture. but doesn't there need to be a starting point somewhere?? i certainly want to make it clear that i'm not judging my house church. in fact, i've only recently been a part of it again, after a year of being the prodigal. and my church family is full of people who really rock when it comes to loving God and each other. i'm just wondering some of these things... any thoughts out there??

i just saw dolly parton and melissa etheridge sing a duet of "i will always love you." wow. there's just something about seeing strong women make music. even more, there's something incredible about seeing people do exactly what they were created to do...

i am 28 today, and it is time to step back into who i was created to be. i am a prophet, an encourager, a healer, a questioner, a dreamer. i have stifled these calls in the past year. now it is time to shake off the dust of apathy and dig into the raw soil of growth. it is time to awake, daughter of zion! it is time to wake up, rise and shine! shine like the light in the midst of darkness. shine like the star we each are in this galaxy of humanity. shine, sisters and brothers! shine and step out to walk on water. you may get wet, but you most certainly won’t drown. shine and shout and dance and sing. sing loud! sing and dance like you are drunk with the spirit. BE drunk with the spirit!

i'm in a blogeddy, blogeddy blog mood tonight. to see a few pictures, you can check out my new (very simple and non-professional) picture page. see the link at the left.

"how can we be good people?" apparently, this is going to be the question of the night at house church tomorrow evening. i guess, through all of my spiritual questions, the one constant has been a desire to "love the lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." love God. love neighbor. that, to me, is being a good person boiled down to its very essence. if only we could figure out what THAT means... "this is what love is, to lay down your life for your friends..." (I john) lay down your life, death to self, etc., whatever. i think i'm much better at asking questions than finding any tangible answers. what is goodness, anyway? and if the evangelical belief that you need to be "saved" is true, then what is the point of being good? i have a difficult time saying that my truly good, kind, loving friends are going to hell. i don't just mean "good" people, but those who love their neighbor enough to lay down their lives in a heartbeat, and those who love God as they perceive God. so, does it make me a heretic if i believe they aren't going to hell? or if i believe that a truly good God would have to embrace them at the judgement? i've been reading "a grief observed" by c.s. lewis the past few days. it's his journal entries following the death of his wife after her battle with cancer. through the process, lewis never doubts the existence of God, but does question his goodness...one interesting thought is the idea that, in our limited human understanding, we simply can't grasp what real goodness is...: ok. i was looking through the book for the quote from the period when lewis was really wrestling with the goodness/badness of God. but then i found a few other things that seemed to grab my spirit... "when i lay these questions before God, i get no answer. but a rather special sort of 'no answer.' it is not the locked door. it is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. as though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. like, 'peace, child; you don't understand.' can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? quite easily, i should think. all nonsense questions are unanswerable..." "and now that i come to think of it, there's no practical problem before me at all. i know the two great commandments, and i'd better get on with them." enough said.

happy, happy birthday to me!! i celebrated by buying myself a soy latte this morning, and "cranium hoopla," because i really like games, even though i don't have people come over to play them nearly often enough. hey, gina - wanna have a game night?? my favorite game is "dutch blitz". it's a crazy, fast mennonite kind of card game. we played it for hours in india. it's also one of the few games my family plays together. togetherness...i keep saying that i want my home to be a center for community, but then i turn around and hole myself up with episodes of "law and order." (tv kills your brain, by the way.) i have had a few ideas of things i'd like to do in my house. if you're reading this and live in cincinnati, puhleeze tell me what things sound fun enough to entice you to some time in northside... 1. game night! (COOL games - yahtzee, euchre, dutch blitz, scategories, cranium...) 2. international food/film nights (enchiladas/frida, curry/monsoon wedding, crepes/amelie, etc.) 3. fingerpainting night 4. monthly book club 5. music jam session night (no professional experience required!) 6. salon discussion on various intellectual, psuedo-intellectual, and spiritual topics. this is the interactive part. tell me what you think!

saturday morning, and i just yelled at the dogs. now blaze is curled up next to me, looking repentant. odie (who spent the night with us while his owner went to a halloween party) is hiding out in the living room, and also torturing the cat when the opportunity presents itself. am i turning into a crazy lady, talking about the animals constantly? really, they've been amazing as i've been figuring out how to rebuild my heart. blaze and sophie don't ask for much beyond food and a walk now and then. they're always ready to drop whatever they're doing at a moment's notice to play with me. they love even when i yell or don't give them quite enough attention. i should be a friend more like them. oh - they also make great bed partners! i can understand why animals are used so often as therapeutic tools. yesterday in the midst of my stomach virus, i watched oprah. she was talking with people who had a single "life-changing moment." one woman got a divorce, and her friend told her to "get either a dog or a therapist." she got a dog, turned her dog into a celebrity, and is now a multi-millionaire...yadda, yadda...anyway, i know that blaze and sophie are only animals, but i also have this realization that i am responsible for lives beyond my own. (i've actually been thinking of guardians for them, in the event that i would move back to india or another country.) but really, aren't we all responsible for each other? in this family we call the body of christ, and in the larger family of humanity, how often do we realize that our responsibility goes far beyond our own lives? on the flip side, how often do we want to allow others to be invested in caring for us? i admit that i find it much easier to think that i can care for myself without "burdening" anyone else, in spite of all of my ideals about community and family and interdependence...it requires too much death to my pride...