last night i was in a really pissy mood. there were a few reasons for that - some indentifiable and some not - but i was not a happy camper. however, since i try to take responsibility seriously, and i was in charge of "discussion-facilitating" at house church, i went against my self-protective instinct to stay at home and dragged myself to the brown house. i'm glad i did. we hit the beginning of acts 2, and the one question that really went home with me is this: "do i really believe that God heals?" i mean, i believe that he heals on some gradual, logical level, but do i really believe in miraculous healing? then, this morning, i went to an amazing training for work on "treating the victimized client," and was presented with the following question: "as a therapist, do i really believe that people can heal?" themes much, anyone??? then there's the other question that was asked last night: "do we have to see someone grow an extra finger to believe? can't it be more simple than that?" i certainly hope so! because (i am fully aware that i really shouldn't be starting a sentence with the word "because") if i saw someone grow a limb, i know i would be pretty skeptical. but belief becomes much more alive to me when i see the simpler, yet more abstract things, like someone who has been deeply emotionally damaged regain some sense of their identity and worth, or when my family is FINALLY able to freely say "i love you" to each other. i find belief easier to comprehend when i see God use humans as instruments in bringing each other to healing - more so than witnessing some blantantly "super-natural" act. of course, i haven't really seen very many outright signs and wonders. but when i hear stories of them, aside from in scripture, i always find myself looking for the scientific explanation, or some evidence that man is manipulating the cirucumstances. how is it, then, that i have no problem believing jesus actually raised lazarus from the dead? am i just lacking some damn faith? am i a bad christian because i don't feel a need to ask God to show me some good, old-fashioned miracles? am i complacent if i am satisfied with the smaller, personal miracles i see most days? next week we talk about the resurrection. any thoughts related on the resurrection as it appears in acts 2 will be greatly appreciated! oops - i guess it will actually be in two weeks. next week is a birthday party! back to healing...i wish i had a way to draw a diagram for y'all, because dr. bassman (our trainer this morning) gave us a really good one regarding personality and all of the different roles, or personas, that we each take on. see, we each have these roles that are a part of us, but aren't really our SELVES at the core. some of these roles are great and necessary, and some aren't so much. for example, some of my roles would be daughter, sister, therapist, writer, pacifist, etc. we step into these roles all the time, but sometimes we get stuck in them. if we are stuck in a persona, we're controlled by it. these roles and personas are imprinted in us, but they are not our true, authentic selves. as a believer, i would define that authentic self as the amy that God created in my truest, deepest form, and as the self that is best able to hear the holy spirit. so many times, though, we make our decisions and actions out of our personas, instead of going back to our selves. this morning, we discussed this in the context of the victim: if a person was abused as a child, they often life their life fully in the persona of the victimized child, instead of going back to their selves and choosing a different persona to act out of for the moment. does this make any sense to anyone at all?? i know that it really resonated with me, and goes right along with some other things i've been learning lately (the "inner child theory," leanne payne's thoughts on the spirit versus the soul, etc.) and it ties back into my earlier mention of God using humans to walk with each other to healing... oh, yes! another thing i've been tossing around is the idea of moving back into a bit more intentional communal setting. some moments i feel myself saying, "great! when do i move in??" other moments i'm saying, "um, maybe when hell freezes over?" if you're a pray-er and could lift that up with me, thanks! also, j and i are needing some prayer regarding our relationship, since we keep finding ourselves in limbo regarding whether or not we should be in a relationship beyond friendship. this is a pretty personal thing, but it's also pretty serious, and we need help finding some answers! on the topic of hell - i've been wondering lately how many people i know really believe in a literal hell. thoughts, please! that's enough to chew on for awhile. i AM interested in knowing if anyone outside of cincinnati (and jeni, chris, andrew and angie) actually reads this. if so, let me know! lovelove to all of you...