leslie is seventy today leslie nixon is one of the coolest women i know. she has the body of someone waaaay younger. it must be those aerobics classes that she leads three nights a week. leslie has added so much to our house church. she's the official "lover" of us all, and is vibrant proof that you don't have to lose your idealism with age. so, if you see her, give her a huge hug, please!

blah, blah, blog sometimes i really wonder what, if any, specific purpose this blog should serve. i'm tempted to stick to thoughts on theology, the world, justice, etc. but that's only a small part of my thoughts and emotions. i wonder if people really want to know the everyday perceptions, but i read a great post today in which the writer said that she misses it when people don't write about the daily events, thoughts and feelings - because these things, however non-lofty they might seem to us - really are an essential part of our humanity. so. all of that is to say that i'm not going to feel guilty if i don't have anything terribly wise to say. i want this to be a medium for realness and vulnerability. of course, then the whole issue of false intimacy comes up - am i really being vulnerable when i don't have to look you in the eye as i speak? that said, last night someone said to me that his perpetual prayer is for "unparalled wisdom"...that's been floating around in my head all day, because i realized that it's been awhile since this girl has had a perpetual prayer. so. i'm trying to figure out what that should be...i like the idea of asking for wisdom. for myself, i think the gift i would really like to have and give is the kind of relational wisdom and insight into people and love that creates a safe place for them to heal. is there a single word for that?

good morning. it is very much so a good morning. i'm sleepy and content, catching up on some paperwork and listening to the flaming lips sing about yoshimi battling the robots. that song makes me giddy. in fact, i haven't felt as giddy as i do today in a long, long while... i like it! tonight is house church. we'll most likely be delving into acts chapter 5, if we don't just spend some time loving on each other instead. it's the story of annanias and sapphira being struck dead for holding back some of their money instead of giving it all to the body of believers, then lying about it. i think it's more about their lie than anything else, but i keep thinking of the idea of holding on tightly to something that we want to think is ours, when in reality God wants to liberate us so beautifully, if we just let him. see, i've been learning about trust lately. i know it's a simple thing, but it seems it's taken me awhile to really grasp it and live it consistently. the thing is, i believe in a God that truly wants the best for us, and i know that the best is usually something incredible, that i usually can't even imagine until it happens. i know this is true, because it's happened to me often. so why do i still find myself trying to figure it out all by my little self, insisting that even though i know what i'm holding onto definitely isn't the best, it is good enough for me, thank you very much! besides, letting things go can sometimes feel like cutting off a limb, even when the limb is infected. i also so often find myself making the assumption that after i do let go of my idols, he's going to make me wait a long, long while before replacing them with something true and good and beautiful, so that i can appropriately learn my lesson. that's just not true, dear ones. i'm sure of it.

let me introduce you to a new, surprising friend. meet daniel fox at the left. this man is definitely worth getting to know.

hello again, dear ones! there have been a lot of thoughts floating around and asking to be written down this week, but it's been hard to articulate them. i'm home again, though, and it's good to be in my own futon... i think my brain is a bit too fried to really say anything coherent, but here are a few topics i hope to touch on in the next few days: ...the recurring call i'm hearing to bring the issues of injustice and poverty to the forefront of the church... ...the irony of giving up things that we cling to so stubbornly and, in the process of letting go, suddenly discovering freedom... ...the role i want accountability from y'all to play in my life as the new year begins... ...the surprising way that this whole blogging adventure introduces and re-introduces people to each other's paths... ...the novel "cold moutain," which i think just might become my book of the year... on that note, i'm going to rest my body now. but i wanted to let you know that i haven't fully disappeared... love and peace, amyjoy

ok, after all of that seriousness, here's a bit of fun. try it! i am...
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

this is important. there's been some talk lately of whether or not the "emerging church" has forgotten the poor and oppressed. these issues are very dear to my heart. with that in mind, please check out the DATA link to the left. this is the organization co-founded by bono to address the global HIV/AIDS epidemic. there are some excellent, concrete ways to address this crisis, including an entire "faith in action" section that includes bible study outlines, etc. at least 75% of my girls in bombay came to us with HIV or AIDS. I know for certain that chitra is dead now, and probably poonam. there is hardly any medicine available to them, and many have gone without being diagnosed. chitra's face is one that has been so vivid in my mind the past few days. i've been so teary everytime she flashes into my consciousness. she was so beautiful, and had this child-like aura that most of our girls had lost a long time ago. AIDS is something that i'm passionate about. my student practicum was in HIV case management, and was one of the best jobs i ever had. that was back when people were learning to actually live with AIDS, instead of just accepting it as a death sentence. for many in the u.s., it is possible now to live a long, healthy time. but for most of africa and asia, the death sentence still exists. and even here, death is very much a reality, especially for those who don't think they're at risk... in september, i got to go to the u.s. conference on HIV/AIDS in new orleans. i expected to learn a lot, and have a lot of fun with the gay party-boy activists. instead, i spent most of the time feeling like i was in church. the american AIDS community is talking a lot about spiritual healing right now. i think that's probably directly related to the growing response of the african-american church in the u.s. movement. all i know is that the Spirit was there. merry christmas.

dreams of india...friday night, i dreamt that i was with greg and mala in india, and was deciding to spend my life there. but the dream got strange when we had to travel to a remote village (which looked oddly like the midwestern u.s.!) and complete some sort of escape-obstacle course to fight an evil political regime. bizarre. but then i went to our christmas worship service last night and unexpectedly in the middle of singing carols, all of the girls i worked with came into my mind and heart, and i couldn't get away from their faces and names. all i wanted to do was go back and love them, and let them know that they are created and loved and worth so much in the eyes of jesus and myself. i love community and the pockets of family i've been so blessed to witness. but i have often felt that i'm one of those people who is called to live outside of the pocket, returning to the fold for times of renewal, ultimately, i think i'm one of those people who is supposed to be sent out by my communities, as nice as it would be to just buy a house and be the sender and nurturer myself. so, that's where my heart was last night. i don't really know that i'm "called" to spend my life in india or some other country. i do know that last night all i wanted was to be there, but i also felt some fear - mostly fear of going alone, and of not being surrounded by such a strong community. i want to spend most of my christmases worshipping in the same st. elizabeth cathedral. anyway, last night i very clearly felt God asking me to let go of that fear, to just trust. i know it's a simple lesson, but it was so real last night. i know that marriage isn't the end-all, be-all. it would just be nice, if i'm going to constantly be "sent out," to have someone to share that journey with. india-and most of the world, for that matter- is a pretty lonely place. don't worry - i'm not becoming a desparate old maid or anything - that's just where my vulnerabilities have been this weekend.

friday night, and i just returned from the saint elizabeth art and music benefit. sometimes i'm overwhelmed by the amazing people who are in my life. tonight was one of those nights. somehow, i've mangaged to find incredible, real community wherever i've landed. it's nice. it's also nice to feel suspended in time occasionally. tonight, for instance, i was really only at the gathering for about two hours, but it felt like the entire night, chock full of good conversation and love. now i'm in my flannel pajamas and have just had a large glass of shiraz. i'm actually rather giggly right now. when i got home, i discovered that r.e.m. was guest-starring on "boston public"...that made me happy. almost as happy as getting to snuggle with nora and sharon tonight...(my non-biological niece and sister, respectively) i am far too giggly to be writing tonight. but sometimes, typing can be almost hypnotic, don't you think? g'night, dear ones!

in case no one has noticed, i'm in a giddy-chatty mood this afternoon. hello, world - i want to talk to you!! really, i just wanted to point out a couple of new links to the left. be sure to check out christopher and zena. very cool people. that is all.

ok, i'm back. there is something about jack white's voice that is giving me goosebumps right now and makes me want to cry. my body has what i call my "holy spirit chill." i don't even really know any white stripes songs, but i feel this one. it's kinda like listening to michelle shocked play live. that woman is a preacher.

what a lovely, lovely day! here are some reasons why... ...it's snowing, but the roads aren't bad ...i got a little break from my routine today by spending a couple of hours handing out food baskets for our brighton center holiday drive ...the white stripes are on the world cafe this very minute, and i'm listening to the interview on my computer ...tonight is the uber-lovely art and music benefit show for st. elizabeth ...tomorrow night is our vineyard central christmas service, so i can sing christmas music with lots of people whom i love deeply ...only 2 1/2 work days until i fly to philly!

hmm...i'm pretty curious about the person who left the comment asking me about simplicity, and it's a good question. in case you haven't read it, they asked: "How would one know that you value simplicity? Where is the evidence to convict you of simplicity? (I am not alleging that you do not value it; I just want to know what you feel are the most important indicators of it in your life)." excellent question, stranger! i do value simplicity, but i think i've been fairly clear that it's been a bit of a struggle for me the past couple of years, as consumerism has increasingly seeped into my life. of course, that statement also makes the assumption that simplicity is all about money and things, which i think is erroneous. the best definition of simplicity i've heard is one that we worked with at the community house a few years ago: "a single-mindedness of heart..." when it comes down to it, i want to display simplicity in my life by having a simple focus - loving God and loving my neighbor. that's what it boils down to. that said, i do believe that the way we consume resources is related to simplicity, and it's often far easier to simplify and reduce our possessions than to singly focus our hearts... you asked for evidence in my life that i value simplicity. on the material level, i try not to buy an excess of things. i buy most of my clothes at thrift or discount stores. i do most of my grocery shopping at save-a-lot. i cut my own hair. i try not to spend money impulsively. but, as i already mentioned, the entire area of simplicity/consumerism, etc., is a very current struggle in my life. you asked what i would consider the most important indicators of simplicity in my life. i'm not there yet, but the indicators i'm striving for would include what i've already discussed: 1) a single-focus of my heart; 2) a reduction of peripheral, fluffy things in my life (IMPORTANT NOTE: this does not mean that i believe we should own nothing. i do believe that having things of beauty in our lives is important for joy) so, there you have it. my thoughts on simplicity today. just an aside - i really, really like comments! i also like to know who's expressing themselves. i won't ignore annonymous comments, but please at least make up a pen name if you're going to comment a lot and don't want me to know who you are! ;-) another quick note while i'm bringing up housekeeping details: for everyone who has looked at pictures of blaze on my fotopage, thanks for the compliments on her beauty! somehow, though, most people seem to think she's a boy. she's not. in other thoughts, i've been attempting to practice the discipline of "praying without ceasing," and it's pretty cool what can happen. i'm especially trying to practice being intentional about inviting God to be with me in sessions with my families. yesterday i had what felt like a pretty significant breakthrough with a 13 year old girl who wants absolutely nothing to do with therapists or counseling or processing. sometimes it's easy to forget the power of simple, honest words that don't pussyfoot around the truth. (back to simplicity again, it seems...) enough for now. i love christmas - in one week, i'll be arriving in philly to see my family. it's the first time the four of us will be together at the same time for over a year and a half. hurrah!

i just remembered one of the big things that was on my mind last week, particularly after a house church discussion that was good, but left me screaming inside, "we waste so much freakin' time on words!!" i am a writer, and i love to have intellectual arguments about what words mean. but sometimes, especially when it comes to the etymology and semantics of faith, i just get weary. the bible itself tells us to "avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless." (titus 3.9) i don't want to be the angst-ridden, cynical voice of judgement. i'm every bit as guilty of navel-gazing as the next person. but why are we talking so much when we should be using our time doing the things God commands us to do, like doing good and being kind and loving our neighbor? are our own voices drowning out the voice of the Spirit? i'm one of those people who is reluctant to fully embrace the supernatural. you know - prophecies, visions, dreams, miraculous healings, etc. in theory, i really do believe in these things. but i often don't recognize them when they show up in my daily life. or, perhaps more significant - i don't usually find myself asking God to show me such things. i prefer to take satisfaction in the "little," subtle miracles. i think i'm just afraid that i'll turn into an emotional freak who doesn't think, but lives purely on my feelings. so, there's the dilemma. i value intellect and logic and raw thinking. but it gets in the way of Life sometimes. i just want to stop talking and get out of the way.

well, it's early monday afternoon and i have an unexpected vacation day due to a car problem involving a flat tire and a tie rod...there have been so many times in the past week when thoughts have been begging to be posted for y'all, but i can be the classic procrastinator... here i am now, though! consumerism and financial responsibility have been on my mind a lot lately, or maybe just the general idea of "stewardship." i'm the daughter of a mennonite accountant, which means that my parents have ingrained a fully practical mindset into my very being. the problem is, i'm also a dreamer who makes decisions impulsively at times...so, therein lies the conflict. and i really, really want to live a life and make decisions that please my Father, and are responsible in terms of my relationship to the entire world. so. simple stuff, but i've been much more of a consumer since my return from india, and i feel like this is something that needs some serious refining in my life... in other notes, i had a lovely weekend with my community. friday night rachel, steve and becky hosted a party that brought together a tremendous range of people, including a couple of bulgarians who are fluent in spanish...saturday night i got to hang out with my favorite pair of brothers (nic and jonathon) and their band, brazil. apparently, they've been told recently that they "could be the next u2...." lofty praise, but they're great, and they played at old st. george in cincinnati, which is definitely a place i have to visit more often...

i'm feeling refreshed and motivated this morning. others have been blogging about the weekend full of community and social activities. saturday was a lovely people day for me. rachel and shaina came over in the afternoon to eat chickpea curry and watch "frida," which shaina is writing about for a class. i love that movie, and it's one i certainly don't regret owning. after they left, i headed over to the community house to spend some time with sharon and the girls, then played yahtzee with the brown house family. i love that game! j and i have spent many all-nighters playing it with his sister and her husband, drinking cheap beer and smoking to stay awake. they've since moved to san francisco, and i miss them! anyway, i did a bit poorly this time, but kevin took over the game as soon as he rolled his second yahtzee. we then spent a lot of time dreaming about the next trip around the world all of us wanderers want to take soon...we each had our own little must-sees, but i think we can work it out relatively easily, if we can come up with the money. money. i've been thinking about it a lot lately, and i hate it. i used to be really good at saving/budgeting, but it's been a constant struggle ever since i returned to the u.s. discipline, amy! be sure to explore the ijpc link to the left. there is some great stuff there, and ways to actually stop talking and start getting involved...

happy sunday, everyone! an annonymous person posted the comment below asking if i observe the sabbath, or have any thoughts on it. i have a lot of thought about it, but it would be a bit easier to know what direction to take if i knew where the question came from...i definitely try to observe the practice of taking time to rest and be renewed. usually, that happens on a saturday or sunday. sometimes not. when it comes down to it, i've really been trying to incorporate "sabbath time" into most of my days. i've become a much more rested person than i used to be, content to just sit and be in my house. careful, though, or that rest quickly becomes a lack of motivation, which for me can often be rooted in undetected depression. i'm someone who has usually had littel problem slowing down. laziness is quick to creep in, though, if i'm not careful. today was a good example of a sabbath day. the only times i left my apartment were to walk the dogs. i was going to go to an advent gathering, but really just wanted to put on my pajamas early and hang out with myself and the animals instead. i'm not sure when i made the transition from over-the-top extrovert to pseudo-hermitess... back to the person who asked about the sabbath - feel free to ask more, and i'll do my best to share more thoughts. on to other topics....i've been thinking a lot lately about mission, activism, and cincinnati. i'm hoping to dig in a little more here, and get involved with the intercommunity justice and peace center (ijpc). from what i hear, these are good people. being in toronto challenged me quite a bit in the area of social justice. it's something i talk about a lot, but it often stops there...if anyone cares to join me in my quest to do a bit more, please do let me know!

my morning had an interesting start. as i was driving to work, i heard my friend, kevin osbourne, on the local npr station. he's a reporter for the cincinnati post, and has been covering the recent story of nathaniel jones. for those of you who are not from this area, mr. jones was killed while in police custody over the weekend. apparently, he was displaying disorderly conduct at a local white castle (fast-food place) and the police began beating him with their batons pretty violently. mr. jones had heart problems and was also under the influence of a few drugs, but there are a lot of unanswered questions. yesterday the county coroner ruled his death a homicide. the police in this city have a history of unexplained deaths of people in their custody, and this is getting the city into a bit of an uproar. you can find a number of articles about the climate here. the death was the top story when i got back from toronto. yet another incident to remind me of the fact that this city needs people to dig in and stay here for awhile. i'm having flashbacks to the riots that took place right before easter in 2001, soon before i left cincinnati to go to india. i will admit, i have a very difficult time trusting the police here-or anywhere, for that matter. anyway, back to kevin. he's one of the many people i built a relationship with when i worked at the coffeeshop last year. it's so cool to get paid to talk to people all day! our shop was next door to the post offices, and kevin would trade me a free paper for coffee every day. he usually came in with craig, who has since moved back to new jersey and gotten married. craig was an agnostic who had converted to judaism. his rabbi told him that jews believe in only one god, and since he didn't believe in more than one god (because he wasn't sure if he believed in god at all), his agnosticism wasn't a hurdle in converting. hmm. but craig was very kind and fun. he smoked his first cigarette ever with me one day when i gave him a clove. kevin is very different from craig, as i was a bit more of a party-er then, and we would compare stories after the weekends. kevin was a gay boy who was raised southern baptist, so we had a little understanding of each other's culture...i miss them. it was a happy thing to hear his voice in my car this morning. back to work yet again.

still thinking about what community is at its best...sometimes i think it's like that new show, "starting over"...if you haven't heard of it, a group of women live together in chicago, each with a life coach, a goal, and the support of each other to reach their goals before they can "graduate". the makeup of the household is fluid, as each woman graduates at her own pace, but it's really quite interesting to see how relationships form, how people learn to face their fears and walk through them, etc. having lived in community, i think a lot of the relationship issues ring true. just think of the possibilities if in our churches and communities we were truly vulnerable with each other, and honest, instead of sugarcoating truth. i think a lot of the people in my life do this, but i'm not sure that we have the level of interaction necessary to really function as a true community...what if we acted as "life coaches," for each other, giving each other assignments that require us to do something difficult but necessary for reaching our goals? what if we were real cheerleaders and supports for each other in those assignments? what if we found ourselves in front of a "board of review," allowing our peers to honestly tell us what they think of our progress?? hmm....

i feel like i've been a wheel-running gerbil the past couple of days, spinning away and getting nowhere. but today i finally have some time to catch up with my work and my self, and it is good. i've always been a fairly easygoing girl, taking everything in stride and getting phased by very little. but it seems like there has been so much drama lately. i'm so tired! however, there is hope, and one of my pet peeves is self-absorption. so i move on. house church was last night. kevin had some good things to say about it, most of which i echo in my thoughts. i love my church family. sometimes i wonder how well we really know each other, though. and back to the concept of self-absorption - it sometimes seems that we're really lacking any kind of solid outward mission to those outside of our little group. i've felt a bit of frustration lately. i've been "facilitating" our discussions, and i'm just not sure how much it is benefitting us. there have been some good conversations, but are we really learning anything, or changing our lives in any way? i do know, though, that my love for these people grows every week, and there are several who truly are family to me. and i think that we're all headed in the same direction at a heart level. i have been so incredibly selfish these last months. that can suck the life out of a person, eh? let's see...my question for everyone today is: what is something that been evidence of beauty for you today?

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla i'm so happy with this result! and i love quizzes far too much...

i've always been infatuated with all things canadian. after all, what's not to love about democratic socialism, bilingual culture, and hockey? i have to admit that i went to toronto with a small part of me thinking it would be really cool if i figured out a way to stay and live happily ever after. and, i have to admit that TO is a very cool city. i met some pretty amazing people who have reinspired my call to activism and reminded me of the joy of really listening and being listened to. but then we went to see bruce cockburn. ironically, sharing an evening with a canadian activist/folk singer/sexy aging man was what really connected me to why i love cincinnati. see, julie wolf happens to be playing keyboards, organ, etc. with bruce right now. i first saw her play with ani difranco a couple of years ago, and was duly impressed. the cool part is that she's from cincinnati. that fact alone somehow reached deep inside me and sparking something bigger, to all of the things that this city has to offer the world, and all of the work that remains to be done here. on a larger scale, i was reminded of some of the beauty of the united states. grit, gluttony, arrogance and all, this is my home. i can't change that, despite how often i've wanted to be from somewhere else. and i'm realizing that it's ok to love my country, even when i am ashamed of it. i love the urban ghetto culture that isn't really found anywhere else. i love that we americans tend to say what we think. i love that the greyness of cities like detroit and chicago resonate with familiarity deep within me. that said, i really wouldn't mind spending my life somewhere else. but this is where i am right now, and that's ok.

whew! i'm back from TO, and there is so much to do today. there is also a lot to say about our trip, which i will articulate for you ever-so-eloquently when i get home to my own computer. for now, i just wanted to touch base and let everyone know that toronto is definitely worth visiting. here are a few brief highlights, to be explored in depth later: 1. spending time with kenny o, which was actually the best part of the whole weekend... 2. an impulsive decision to splurge a bit and spend "an evening with bruce cockburn" in an intimate theatre on the UT campus... 3. sharing friday evening with volunteers and residents of the romero house, an incredible place that welcomes refugees to canada and helps them make it their home... 4. having dim sum for the first time much more later...