i should be in bed. my fingers want to type, though. house church tonight - good stuff, i think. we seem to be learning to step up and put some action behind our vision. acts 7 got pre-empted for a discussion of how we can get some outreach done, which resulted in some solid directions, and hopefully some follow-through. has anyone out there ever coordinated a church-based mentoring program for neighborhood kids? if so, talk to me! we do not have enough time in the 2-2 1/2 hours we allot ourselves for "church"...we need more, if we're even going to come close to meeting the biblical mandates for what should be happening when we gather. everyone bringing a song or word, interceding for each other, digging into the Word, breaking bread, etc. this is why living in community is a good idea! but we do need more time...the thing is, i feel guilty suggesting that we spend more than one night a week as a church together. of course, most of us grew up going to church at least three times a week... the point is, we need to get to the point where we're actually SHARING OUR LIVES. we must make it a habit to open our lives to each other on a consistent basis. any ideas on how to do that, aside from living in the same house together? this boy is coming to see me tomorrow night, and to go to nathalie's birthday dinner. i'm so happy that i don't have to wait until the weekend to see him! it gets harder to say goodbye to him every week, even though i know it will only be a matter of days until we see each other again. aargh!! i'm trying so hard to live in the present moment each day, but my heart seems to stay in columbus! he is amazing, though. he really understands the role of man that was created for him. he really understands me, more and more every day. he is a man after God's own heart. i don't say these things lightly. i think i should go to bed now. sweet dreams are made of this.

happy birthday, nathalie! today is my sister nathalie's birthday! (not biological, but what does that really mean, anyway?) if you know her, hug her hard. (or call her! birthdays are important to nat!) she is one of my oldest active friends, clocking in at about 12 years, right behind her brother at 13, and debra miller at 21(!) isn't there some saying about old friends being like gold?

i made friends with an alligator in my sleep last night. or was it a crocodile? i was in my kitchen and betsy (my wonderful landlord) ran in, saying, "it looks like you have a new creature in your yard." there was a tiny baby alligator, and it was really cute until we saw the big adult alligator guarding it. the details are a bit fuzzy, but it seems there was a struggle with the back screen door (like when i'm trying to keep my cat from going outside, but this time i was keeping the gator from coming in) before the gator finally made it in. in the meantime, my kitchen had conveniently acquired some tall poles that i was able to shimmy up to safety before the alligator settled in, drank some coffee, and had a bizarre conversation that ultimately affirmed my motherhood. anyone out there wanna take a stab at interpreting that one?

been rethinking the purpose of this blog exercise over the past few days. as i've been re-establishing community and relationships in my life, a lot of my intellectual processing has been occuring in a real-time context, with live people. i think my blog had turned into a processing medium, but my intent in starting it was to provide a consistent forum for disciplining myself to write. so, i will be getting back to that practice again very soon... right now, though, my brain is mushy! i spent the morning driving back from columbus (got snowed/iced in last night) without mishap, until i turned onto my very own cherry street. it took me a serious ten minutes to get from the intersection to my apartment, which is in the third house from the corner. ANYWAY, this was another excellent weekend in columbus. i highly recommend "1000 blank cards," especially when combined with a bit of wine and a lot of funny, creative types. (joshua drove and hour and a half in the snow to ear to eat a sock!) chelsea is blogging again, and has updated her photos, which are so lovely, and include a few shots of daniel and i spending saturday with her and chris. let it be noted that the kays have the gift of hospitality! actually, a number of columbus folks are very gifted in opening up their homes to others. (hello, brooke and erik!) mike, sue, and justin are no expection, and are very quickly becoming family. ok. i am going to work now. my shout-out fest should be enough to keep you busy until i can write something substantial. oh - question of the day: has anyone ever tried to make homemade bubble tea?

daniel fox is a genius. "one step to becoming a deeper thinker is to start practicing your own theories. nothing puts a mind to task like a hand that is doing likewise."

i love tuesday nights more every week. it used to be a consistent struggle to want to go to house church, even when i knew i would have a great time when i got there. but it's getting easier, even though i was feeling slightly crazy earlier in the day yesterday. BUT, last night was our gathering. we put aside our discussion of acts to just pray for each other. the group was a bit smaller than usual, which worked out perfectly. i'm really hoping and praying that we can grow into more consistent intercession for each other. there's just so much to "accomplish" when believers gather - teaching, worship, intercession, prophetic words, fellowship, breaking of bread, etc. any ideas, anyone, on getting to all of these things while still getting the kids to bed on time? yet another reason to make sharing our lives in common a more daily habit...

sorry about all of the quizzes this week. i need to be focusing on my real-life responsibilities, so this is my attempt to give you something entertaining. i like this one!
You're a Cappicinno!

What Kind of Coffee are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm...not sure how i feel about this.

"It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is."

You are Desiderius Erasmus! You have great love for others and will do just about anything to show it to them. You are tolerant and avoid confrontations, so people generally are drawn to you. You are more quiet and reserved in front of strangers, but around some people you open up. When things get tough, you like to meditate alone. Unfortunately you often get things like "what a pansy," or "you're such a liberal."

What theologian are you?
A creation of Henderson

there is a lot of really great stuff out there to read today, so point your browsers to chris' thoughts on living in suburbia (it's this past friday's post), and sue's statement on community/mega-churches/point of entry. enjoy!

i wanna be like sue burkett when i grow up!

i am sitting in the 64 king living room right now, waiting for the pizzas to cook and playing with my new airport card. i've been loved on a lot this weekend. chelsea and chris are delightful, and their air mattress is uber-comfortable. daniel keeps getting better and better in real life. that is all.

"we were the first reality tv!" i just finished listening to tammy faye talk to terry gross on fresh air. i am so intrigued by hearing public radio try to make sense of faith. i am also intrigued by the fact that a lot of what tammy faye says makes a lot of sense to me. so be it!

this article caught my attention this morning. it's the testimony of caleb quayle, elton john's old guitarist. it kind of reminds me of anne lamott's conversion story. actually, it's pretty different from her feeling like jesus was a stray cat following her around until she finally said, "eff it. you can come in." but it's still a good read.

sometimes God catches me off guard with the things he brings back to my memory. this morning i was making a semi-successful attempt to "practice the presence" in the silence of my car, and suddenly i found myself remembering my friend matt. i'm not sure why, but i feel like it's important to write about him today. i met matt at awakenings, the coffeeshop where i used to work. before i worked there, both of us spent a lot of lunch hours hanging out in the shop with our mutual friend, phil. we were always starting good dialogue about God, finding oneself, music, etc. but somehow the conversations never finished before one of us had to leave. matt was raised catholic, and his mother wanted him to be a priest or interior designer, because that's what gay catholic boys do. instead, he was waiting tables and tending bar when i met him. eventually, he started pursuing the goal of becoming a graphic designer. he was going to school, he was strengthening his family relationships, he felt like he was finally growing up. about that time, he stopped me in the coffeeshop one day and said, "we need to go out and have coffee somewhere else some night, because we need to finish these conversations." he asked me if i was one of "those jesus people," and was surprised when i told him that i was because "you're not judgmental and freaked out by me." (loose paraphrase) i told him that my idea of what it means to follow jesus might be a little different than that of most "jesus people" he had contact with. anyway, i felt like this was a new friendship that God had pretty directly given me. he was hungry for jesus, and he was hungry for love. so then we left the coffeshop, played phone tag for a few weeks and i left for india. the conversations were never finished. about three months after i got to bombay, phil sent me an e-mail saying that matt had overdosed on ghb, and had died before he got to the hospital. it was one of those confusing, sad times when you don't really know how much you're allowed to grieve. so i'm not sure why matt is so strongly in my heart today, but i just know that i needed to take a few minutes to write about him. i think it might have something to do with learning to really see the people around us, and not being afraid to love, and understanding that you don't always have to say the name of jesus for jesus to love through you. maybe it has something to do with learning to really grab the chance to love people when they're right in front of you. maybe it has something to do with learning to finish conversations.

good morning, sunshines! um, i think my last little note sounded a bit whiny. sorry about that. things got much better, and i had a great home visit that reminded me why i love my job, and why i don't just spend my days having coffee shop conversations. i just wanted to take a minute to point out that there are a few new people linked to the left. last night daniel and i played chess over the phone - perhaps the longest, most equally-matched chess i've ever played. i love that this man challenges me to use my brain! i also love that we're both just dorky enough to play chess for two hours on the phone. there are a lot of thoughts and ideas brewing today. perhaps they'll make their way to this page before it's all over.

aack!! some days, my office is simply not conducive to getting any real work done. some days, i just want to be able to spend all of my time living and loving others and encouraging, without having to worry about goals or paperwork or progress or clinical issues. but i really do love this work i do. and i know that part of loving jesus is doing your work well. i do not want to neglect this thing i've been given stewardship of. but some days, i just wish columbus wasn't so far away.

hello, dear ones! i just got back from house church, and am feeling energized. our study of acts 6 led to a discussion of the church's call to serve the poor and our larger community. this is a recurring conversation for us, but tonight k reminded us of the simple truth that, if we have a vision or burden on our heart, then we are probably the best person to work to see that vision manifested, instead of just talking about ideas. for example, if i feel a call to live in community, i can either choose to talk and talk with other about how to live in community and wait for it to happen, or i can get off of my butt and just do it! or, if i have a vision to see our church get more directly involved in peace and justice issues, i can either dialogue the crap out of it, or i can take on the responsibility to educate my church family about the issues and provide them with concrete ways to respond. aargh. we waste so much time with words and ideas. thanks, k, for lighting a fire under us! grow up, kids, and follow your calling! kevin brought up the concept of the church's gifts as a whole, as opposed to just the giftings of individuals. brian maclaren stated at mayhem that a marriage is made up of three individuals - husband, wife and the marriage itself. in the same way, the church community is a separate entity from its individuals, and it's possible for that entity to have a particular gift to bring to the larger Body. so the question that remains for our particular community is: "what is our gift as a whole, together?" good stuff to consider before our next meeting... speaking of gifts, i've been feeling an intensified desire to really learn what my gifts are, and to take risks in using them, and to encourage others to use their's. daniel has been really fabulous at challenging me to embrace my gifts lately, including that of healing. so a couple of weeks ago, he encouraged me to keep my eyes open for someone needing prayer. i gathered my courage to ask leslie if she wanted a few of us to lay hands on her and pray for the intense pain in her hand that had been debilitating her for the past few months. we simply prayed for her, and the next morning when she woke up, the pain was gone. now, two weeks later, it's still gone, and she's able to really do things for herself again, and is so joyful. the thing is, though, that she had been wearing a brace on her hand for about two months prior, and every week we all passed up the chance to ask her if she wanted us to pray for her. what the heck?? i'm cyncial enough that my faith in jesus is not based on whether or not he heals leslie's hand. but if we really believe that God wants to use us as vessels for his power, then why aren't we asking for it more often? that's all for now. good night.

comments are back up, thanks to haloscan. actually, new, improved comments are here. so talk back to me!

i love my mom. it seems she's reading my blog now, and i think she's a little worried about my putting most of my feelings and thoughts out there for the entire world. the thing is this - i want to be wise, but i also want desparately to be honest in my life, especially after a time during which i kept a lot of secrets. i do, of course, want to maintain some kind of healthy filters for a public forum. but don't worry, mom - i don't think i've written very much that could come back to haunt me. you are the one who taught me to be straightforward, y'know. acts 6 is our discussion topic at house church tonight. it's a strange little chapter that seems to end in the middle of the story, leaving us with stephen's sermon and stoning for next week. but there is some good stuff - the balance of loving the needy and spreading the Word, the significance of the fact that stephen was "full of faith and the holy spirit," qualifications for leadership in the church. there's something about the character of stephen that keeps grabbing my attention...he was "full of God's grace and power," "did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people." those who opposed him "could not stand up against his wisdom or the Spirit by whom he spoke." when people looked at him, "they saw that his face was like the face of an angel." have you ever known anyone who just glows with jesus, and no matter how cynical you want to be, you know that christ is the source of their beauty? that is what i want! and that is what i want to want...

a few items of note i'm listening to my first ever coldplay album ("a rush of blood to the head") right now. i know i'm terribly late to discover them, but i'm feeling all of those strong, deep, melancholy-good feelings that come when i listen to music that i'm going to love for a long time. i like that the album comes with a huge list of contact info for fair-trade organizations. my comments seem to have gone down for the moment. i hope they come back soon, because i want to hear what y'all have to say! i've added a few people to the sidebar. please visit them often and say kind, true things. please say kind, true things often, to everyone. daniel has food poisoning today. i think long-distance relationships stink the most when you want to take care of someone, but you can't as well as you'd like. that is all. be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

abby bell rocks. she's 8 years old, wrote this poem last week. sharon thinks it was a direct response to viewing daniel's film on cambodia (i'm so blessed to love both of them!): I wish I could roam free from the screaming of innocent people. I would teach the masters to see the slaves as his children. a room for all of them I wish I could be free of torture, war, killing, death and slavery. I wish people would stop and see out of the eyes of the dead ones. And feel like they did when they died. And if I had a wish, that's what it would be. ---Abigail miranda bell (age 8)

mayhem is over and there is so much to say and not enough time in the moment. so for now, i'll just throw out a few lists... simple statements that grabbed my attention in a new way (all from brian maclaren unless otherwise noted: “experiencing community can be like going to the epcot center to experience china.” “you don’t get to decide who belongs to you.” (joe myers) “to be missional, we must reassert that God loves the world, and never forget it.” “conversion before love is not the gospel of Jesus.” “part of my spiritual growth is to ensure that i get enough legitimate pleasure. otherwise, i will seek sources of illegitimate pleasure.” relational highlights: *starting the process of getting to know landing place people from columbus. that's important to me, because they're taking in tawd and sharon soon, and that means they're becoming family. also, they are an important part of daniel's world in columbus, which also means they're becoming family. *getting to meet people who write things that i love to read - chelsea, amy k., mollie, etc. *getting to really pray for and be prayed for. *having my Father use others to reaffirm the things he's been planting in my heart over the past weeks. there is much more, but this girl has a job to do now.

cat is a cool girl who lives in the community house, and she just set up a fotopage of images taken by my very cool 4 year old niece, nora. i know i'm a little biased, but these are pretty decent pictures for anyone, especially a pre-schooler. raising kids in community must breed brilliance.

eddie walker says some good things about confession today, that really correlate with things I’ve been thinking about lately, and have been discussing with daniel. he (daniel) quoted someone to me, saying that “until we name a problem as a sin, it can’t be healed.” (loose paraphrase) ouch. “sin” is a strong word. I’d rather label my sins as “issues” or “struggles.” as in , “i struggle with consumerism,” when the truth is, “my sin of greed has filled my life with idols.” sigh. refusing to acknowledge the reality of sin only works for so long. just another line of thought whirling through my workday…talk back to me!!

permission to destroy He alone has the right to break, for He alone has the power to mend. He that knows how to sew together, knows how to tear apart: whatever He sells, He buys something better in exchange; He lays the house in ruins; then in a moment He makes it more livable than before. (rumi) may our houses be laid in ruins...

baby, it’s cold outside! but the moon was hanging oh-so big and low and glowing over the skyline this morning – so big that it dwarfed that unnecessary stadium. it’s enough to make it worth getting up before the sun every once in awhile. i’m returning to a little experiment in my car. i spend a lot of time driving for my job, and i usually listen to lots of public radio and smoke while i put my thoughts on auto-pilot. but i’ve been feeling the need to rid my mind and body of clutter recently, even if the clutter is interesting and potentially beneficial. it feels like i've entered detox mode. i don’t smoke anymore. (i’ve been delivered!) so now I’m trying to use my driving times as bite-sized practices of silence, solitude and listening. that can be hard for a girl who is prone to distraction. this morning, though, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. of course, that may have been because i left for work before 7am, and silence is pretty easy if your brain is still asleep. but it was sweet and lovely anyway. i want to make a habit of “practicing the presence….” wow – i just heard that the wind chill is nine below zero. gimme some warm, warm lovin’! back to work.

there's a chill in the air and i'm thinking about foolishness tonight: "for the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. for it is written: 'i will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent i will frustrate.' where is the wise man? where is the scholar? where is the philosopher of this age? has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? for since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was prached to save those who believe. jews demand miraculous signs and greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to jews and foolishness to gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both jews and greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. for the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." (1corinthians 1.18-25) it's been a long time since i've been willing to give up what appears to be rational and enlightened and intelligent thought for the sake of Christ. it sounds crazy to do things like pray for deliverance and ask people if they want me to lay hands on them and to expose my deepest relationships to others, inviting them to hold me accountable to true wisdom. but the Spirit just seems to keep jumping out of the intellectual fence that i keep trying to keep him in. so, i give up. i'm taking the fence down. daniel wrote of foolishness today, too. he was introduced to my cincinnati family this past weekend. i won't subject you to all of the wide-eyed, awe-inspiring details, but it seems safe to say that he endeared himself to the people i respect most, and i think they're hoping he's going to stay around for awhile. i know i hope so. yikes! did i write that out loud?! all i know is that this man is teaching me what it is to have a pure, passionate heart. leadership and character like that is rare and precious, and i will not take it for granted. dear jesus, don't let me take this for granted! along those lines, i won't be focusing all of my writing on daniel. but i do ask that, if you pray, you'll pray wisdom and restraint, truth, clarity and joy for us. thanks! my practical duties are calling now, but i'll leave you with a few things i plan to visit here this week... ...how growing up mennonite has influenced me (i haven't forgotten you, annonymous commenter!) ...concrete ways to make myself more accountable to the community in my life (a.k.a. "to move or not to move") ...acts 5 sweet dreams, dear ones!

i'm almost afraid to write anything tonight, for fear that it's impossible to share the past few days in any coherent, worthy fashion. but my goal here is to be transparent, and y'all are my community and body. i want you to know what is happening in my life, so that it makes more sense, and so that you can question me when it's necessary, and so that we can really be living this life WITH each other. ok, that was the disclaimer. here's the story. i met a boy this week. daniel has been turning my life upside-down in ways that i didn't think were actually possible. he found this little blog when a mutual acquaintance suggested that he might be interested in some of my thoughts on injustice. he was, and e-mailed me, starting a dialogue that - since this past sunday - has turned into hours of instant-messaging and phone conversations leading to him taking a road trip with me to muncie to bring in the new year with my dear ones there. i think i'm still floating. (yes, i know that i'm infatuated, but i'm going to enjoy that. then i'm going to enjoy the dirty reality of really getting to know the messiness of another person.) there is so much that i could say about him. he's funny and smart and talented. he's a storyteller and has a true gift for speaking the truth, both in conversation and on film. he loves jesus deeply and his neighbor almost as deeply. his heart is broken by the world in the same ways mine is. he was at home with my friends immediately, and that is no small feat. (my friends tend to be a bit protective of me) he sings flaming lips songs to me, and does a pretty good david sedaris impression. (if you've been reading my blog very long, you know that is important!) it seems he's suddenly made his way up to the position of being my new best friend - also no small feat. follow the link, see what you think for yourself. the best way to sum it up is this: for the first time in my life, i feel like i may not be destined to live out my calling alone. don't worry - i know that i can be an emotional person, and i know that it sounds crazy to be writing so much about a boy i've know less than a week. it is a little crazy. but i also know that the Spirit is in this, whatever may come. so. there it is. also, we've decided that this is a story we both want to blog about from the beginning. we kind of have to, if we're serious about being open and vulnerable and accountable. ok, if you've made it this far, there have been a few other things on my mind. i've been feeling like the prodigal daughter lately, in the midst of the Father's welcome home party. i keep waiting for punishment to fall, but all there is is celebration and his embrace. really, this is another thing that i can't express with words. but the word is living, and i can't seem to get enough of it. i ended the year in romans 8, which is one of those places i always seem to find myself coming back to. "...the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express..." i find myself speechless so often. and i think it's pretty darn cool that we don't need words to be heard! i'm getting a cold. i think it's time to get ready for bed. please note, there has been a little update to my fotopage. sweet dreams, dear ones!